Gratefulness seems to be something that comes to me often throughout my days. Not really an overall feeling, it tends to come almost like a sigh of relief. Some days I dig deep to find the gratitude hidden in my heart. I know it's there; it just gets crowded out by the multitudinous tasks before more. But it's the little things that really make me remember to give thanks; enough food, time to sit with my kids to play a game, a warm bed, friends who make me laugh, a mid-week day off.....
And then there are the days that nearly make me crazy. I think of that saying about the beauty of the rainbow being appreciated all the more when it's raining. Can I apply that concept to the crazy days that me grateful for the shred of sanity that remains?
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Days blur into one another, making me pause at times to figure out what day of the week it actually is. While I feel like I'm assimilating into the single life with relative ease, a couple of my days have felt like the Longest. Day. Ever.
I'm sure most of you can relate to parts of my days---this a compilation of 2 really long days recently.....
5:00 a.m---alarm clock rings for the first (of several times). Thank you, Jesus for the snooze button. It makes me feel like I'm getting away with something by indulging in 7-minute increments of dozing. I wonder sometimes if "snoozing" actually makes me more tired in the long run.
5:35 a.m.---I finally roll out of bed, turning off the alarm for the final time, and stumble into the shower. Out of the shower I get ready for work while seriously contemplating shaving my head, calculating the cost in "minutes of sleep saved".......definitely worth pondering at a later time.
6:00 a.m.----downstairs I check email, pack kids' lunches, start the oatmeal for breakfast, and finish some prep for school today.
6:45 a.m.---A quick snuggle as I get the kids out of bed. One is a morning person, eager to start her day. She is generally quick to hop out of bed and be fully awake. The other is not quite so fond of mornings and I feel on the ready to jump out of his reach every time I come into his room to wake him up. It takes him about 20 minutes to become human each and every day....
7:00 a.m.----I quickly push bowls of oatmeal in front of them with instructions to "eat up" because I have an early meeting and we're leaving in 5 minutes. Digestion is highly overrated.
7:05 a.m.---They're crammed into the car after bickering that rivals WWII. I sigh as I back out of the garage, thinking that the day is barely starting and I suddenly feel exhausted. Hopefully I have some black, fully caffeinated tea at work that will jump start things....
7:15 ---Ella gets dropped off at her friend's house. I sound like an auctioneer as I'm giving my friend information for the day; barely a moment to spare. Thankfully, Ella is not clingy today, and I am there approximately 45 seconds before bounding back down the stairs into the car again.
7:22--Chandler gets dropped off at his friend's house; they will take him to school for me today. He is thrilled to ride to school with his friend, and doesn't look too disturbed as I give him the quickest goodbye on record.
7:28---I pull into the parking lot at work, race walking to the library for the meeing. A laptop is thrust into my hands as I'm told I'll be keeping minutes this a.m. My eyes have not yet begun to focus for the day, but sure, I'll keep the minutes.....do they have to make sense??
8:35---meeting wraps up and I go into overdrive making sure the paras are prepped for the day. The Holy Spirit brings to mind the caffeinated tea that I was supposed to make, and I head for the kitchen before the bell rings.
8:55-3:10-----full speed ahead. I realize around 11:00 a.m. that I need to pee, but it's 3:20 p.m. before I actually make it into a bathroom.....yes, that's how busy my days are sometimes. (I remember hearing once that teachers have a high rate of bladder infections, and I make a mental note to schedule in peeing ---maybe I can set an alarm or something?)
3:15---I need to leave early to pick up my car from the shop. Brakes never pick a convenient time to need fixing, so I sign out early and head to the shop. I forgot to fill the courtesy car with gas this a.m. so I stop at 7-11 now to top it off. I put in $14 worth of gas into this minivan that Ella thinks is "cool", and whose steering is so unresponsive that I turn the wheel nearly 45 degrees before any movement happens....I will not miss this car, although I was thankful to have replacement transportation.
3:30---the shop owner doesn't seem to realize---although my body language is fairly obvious---that I'm in a hurry. He seems to be in a story-telling mood about all things Audi. I do my best to stay "polite, but rushed". I finally have to spell it out for him and mention that daycare is a-waiting with a lilting laugh that hopefully belies my irritation. Then he really steps things up and takes a mere 6 minutes to finish up....GAH!!
3:50---Pick up Ella...I feel like an eagle swooping in for my prey. I race upstairs, gather her things while she gets her shoes, bark orders at her to say her goodbyes and hustle downstairs so we can get Chandler.....she obliges quite well for the non-napped 3-year-old she is, and I'm beyond grateful for no meltdowns. Her goodness today is proof positive that God does exist. (the irony--that I've only witnessed about 3 minutes of her goodness today---is not lost on me....the double-whammy guilt of being not only a working mom, but a single mom hits)
4:05---I pull into pick up Chandler only to find they haven't yet arrived at his babysitter's house. A slight nervous breakdown threatens to happen right there in the driveway, but I will it away and try to remember that this is not a big deal. Drum lessons can be made up (when, I ask myself..WHEN can they be made up??) and try to focus on how to solve the problem at hand. Of course, this is also the day that my phone doesn't seem to hold a charge, so I can't even call the sitter. Perfect! Just as I'm about the dangle my white flag of surrender to the Universe and admit defeat, they pull in the driveway. The switch from car-to-car is done in 6 seconds flat and we're off, as I mentally note how thankful I am that these wonderful people take care of my boy each day after school for me. I don't know what I'd do without them.
4:31---We pull into the music store parking lot, and I all but shove my child out the door since we are officially late for his lesson. He begins to complain about the fact that he hasn't even finished his snack yet, but I shoot him The Look and he goes.
5:03---he skips out of the lesson. All the way home he practices on the headrest. I thank God that his seat is not directly behind mine and that our drive home is less than 5 minutes. We run to the post office to get mail and the library to drop some books off.
5:25...just as we're pulling in the driveway I remember the shopping list in my purse. The one I've been ignoring, hoping the items on it will just materialize out of thin air into my cupboard. I swing around and we go directly to the grocery store. I have the nagging feeling that there were a few items I needed to add to the list, but they escape me now.....I'm certain I'll remember them once we're in the store.
6:03---Note to self: everyone and their dog goes to the store between 5:30 and 6:00 p.m.; DO NOT DO THIS AGAIN. The aisles are packed with tired people and kids who are approaching their witching hour. It's a madhouse. I leave with only the items on my list (a plus!) and hope that whatever I was supposed to remember wasn't that important.
6:10-6:15----Home. I do a quick mental scan before deciding if I can relax or not. With alarm, I note that it's Tuesday, and swim team practice will be starting at 6:30....EXCELLENT!! Tuna fish sandwiches and clementines replace the too-hot soup in the crock pot and the still-to-be-made biscuits. The bright side is that dinner for tomorrow is ready!! The bad news, Chandler needs to immediately go change for swimming while I pack our "sack dinner" and head right back into the car. I run to the bathroom while he's upstairs and suddenly remember one item that I was supposed to remember at the store: toilet paper. Awesome.
6:30-7:30---swim team practice. An hour to sit and watch my boy while thinking of all the things I could be doing. I daydream for a few minutes about how great it will be when he's driving in a mere 8 years. Then, taking a deep breath, I relax and forget about all the things still left to be done before I can go to bed, and I try to "be" in this moment right now. It's not working very well, but I realize that breathing is something I should really try to do more often.
7:45---home AGAIN. Chandler races up to shower in my bathroom while I get a tub started for Ella.
8:05----They both claim to be hungry (whiners!) and I give into their request for cereal. I give them 4 minutes to finish and then we do "Last One Up Is A Rotten Egg". I remain the perpetual "Rotten Egg" in this game---which thrills them to no end.
8:10---teeth are brushed, flossed, and rinsed.
8:15---hugs, kisses, Iloveyous are spoken----rather hurriedly----and lights are turned out. No time for a story tonight.
I head downstairs to unload and reload the dishwasher, marveling at the amount of dishes we go through in a day. Or has it been two??
I straighten up the living room/dining room/kitchen ---more grateful than ever for tiny place we call home----and then head upstairs with my red basket of teacher stuff still to be done.
At the top of the stairs the smell of Downey wafts my way, reminding me of the load waiting to go in the dryer. I move it to the dryer and start another load of laundry. I'll probably be up late enough to fold the one and get the other one in the dryer.......
The last I remember, the clock says 11:43 p.m., but now the alarm is blaring and it's 5:00 a.m......again. Top 'o the morning!
November 27, 2009
gratefulness and this crazy life.
November 14, 2009
traveling light
After going back to work full time a few months ago, I've had to slowly weed things out of my life that are non-essentials. Not everything, mind you, but many things that are extras. The difficulty for me lies in the fact that many of these extras were the frosting, so to speak, on the cupcake of my life.
I feel a bit unadorned. I miss the jimmies and the non-pareils.
I purged many blogs from my favorites list, not only because of a lack of time, but also for a lack of wanting to covet what others have--or have time to do. I do not have time to figure out how to sew things these days. I don't have time to scrapbook. I don't have time to knit; my beautiful scarf which I cast on at the beach in hopes of finishing in time for Autumn still sits in the basket, waiting (right alongside the blue sweater...I knew you were going to ask, D). I don't have time to even consider making gifts for birthdays or Christmas which require any sort of handiwork or crafting. It's not the end of the world, but I feel a void nonetheless.
Part of me feels a bit cheated out a few things that I wanted (and still want) to be able to do with and for my children while they are young. I feel like my life has been reduced to the most basic of basics. Our entertainment is often homework, grocery shopping, and cooking dinner. Sometimes our entertainment isn't very entertaining. Sometimes it's purely utilitarian. Blech...even reading that sounds very "utilitarian" and bor-ing.
It has been liberating every time I go to Goodwill or Salvation Army to get rid of un-needed stuff. One of my favorite Max Lucado books, Traveling Light, speaks of how we're just passing through this life. Being a renter of someone else's townhouse has not only made me aware of how I'm just "passing through" in the sense that I don't know how long we'll be in this particular place, but also the idea that in Life, it really is so temporary. Thinking and living with a more eternal perspective makes it very easy to not stash and store too many things in these borrowed cupboards of mine.
I've also purged my mind of many things. I've let go of some hopes. A few dreams. Many wishes. I'm close to being able to throw away some long held grudges, and I've tossed aside some judgements. I may even be on the cusp of forging a new relationship, of sorts, with someone I would not have chosen to have in my life. I'd prefer to not have her in my life-- but she is on the fringe anyway.
Letting go is hard....
forgetful?
I didn't mean to not post this often. :)
Random thoughts float through my mind most days. Sometimes I jot them down because I can feel a blog post percolating in the words down deep. Usually I get home and the whirlwind that is Life erases them all, leaving me to wonder if I'm starting to lose my marbles.
Part of it is feeling a bit censored. Self-inflicted censorship, that is. I don't know that anyone in particular (whom I might need to censor myself for, nor do I think that I am saying anything requiring censorship) is reading this little corner of my world, but being at this place in life--newly divorced, figuring out who's who in the his friends/her friends game---makes me feel that I can't quite be me on here anymore.
Not sure what to do about it. Perhaps nothing---except to be more intentional about stopping in. Perhaps this blog has run its course for now. I don't really know. Just saying. Perhaps I will be treated for my delusions of grandeur and paranoia and be back to regular posting soon.
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The most excited update I can come up with is a photo of all of us when my sister and her kids came to visit last week on the holiday. It was very fun having a "summer day" on an Autumn day. Why is that mid-week breaks feel so indulgent?
(In the last few pics I've been in I seem to be of Amazonian proportions. I can only dream of being "tall", although having a rather short (5'3" on a good day) sister, and being surrounded by our littles does help the illusion.)
November 8, 2009
a full day, indeed
A muggy pool. A cement seat made comfortable by the blanket and pillow we remembered to throw in the car last minute. Several hours spent watching my firstborn compete. A quick visit with a person I hold dear, even though I don't spend any sort of regular time with her.
A brief tour of her new home. Shared joy at their good fortune. Happiness that I can call her "friend".
A two-season drive home. Rain turning into sloppiness on the road. Slushy snow causing drivers to take leave of their brains and drive like they're on drugs. Keeping my cool despite their idiocy. (Mine was only in check because I had two babes in the car)
Two kids sleeping on the way home. Time to ponder the deeper meaning of life. Recognizing that real life is full of joy for the taking---in watching my boy become a better swimmer, in seeing my girl writing letter-like symbols, in catching up with a friend, in driving through the beauty of rain and snow with a reward of bright leaves at the end---if I'll just open my eyes to it.
A joyfully full day. Indeed.
October 20, 2009
participating vs. spectating
After coming out of the fog of my life, henceforth know as "My Marriage", I see things so much more clearly. Some things were not too foggy at all---I've always liked people, always valued friendships, always tried to make time for them--not always successful with that one. Other things were nearly completely clouded over; a cataract of sorts, over the lens through which I saw Life.
I'm sure we all have some sort of filter hindering our view of what is real, true, good, and right...at least to some degree. Our upbringing, schooling, interpretation of some rule or regulation, a friend's opinion about, a celebrity's support of, or any number of things that influences us and how we live out our life.
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With the Filter of Ickiness off, I am definitely becoming more of a participant than a spectator. And I like it. I'm taking a cue from a friend. She moved to a brand new city for a new job and she decided that she would not turn down any (within reason) new opportunity, invitation, etc. in her new setting.
She found herself meeting new people she might now have met otherwise, taking risks that paid off beautifully in her life, and experiencing more joy than if she had stuck to her old routine.
I'd like a helping of that, please.
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So here's to much more participation in this thing called Life, and a healthy serving of anticipation for all that might be waiting for me!
October 10, 2009
October's Jewels
I found one of Great-Grandma's poems very fitting for the season, and I hope you'll enjoy it on this lovely October day.
October 7, 2009
triginta novem
...or perhaps treinta nueve, trente neuf, or XXXIX. Whichever way I write it, it still means the last year of my 30's. And it started today......
